The Guilts...

Yes, I have the guilts. The type where you question everything you know about yourself. Guilty about my mom and how I don't seem to be pulling my weight. She lives about an hour from me. The problem is that my sister lives 5 minutes from my mom so she has to do everything. My mom had a quad-bypass back in September. She's doing better but still is not driving which means my sister has to drive her around and help her with her errands. I'm not there. I can't be there. I wish I could be. I guess I could be...it's only an hour. I should go down there more. I feel guilty that I just want to be at home. Sit in my chair with my laptop and hang out with Brently and Sydney. I was suppose to go home yesterday and go with my mom to her work party. It was going to snow (and did) so she told me not to come down. Brently didn't want me to go either. I think I should have. My mom seemed upset on the phone tonight. My sister said she was upset yesterday. I don't know. I don't think my mom has been herself since my dad passed away. She took care of him for so long that she doesn't know what to do with herself. Plus, she really wants to retire, but can't until she can get insurance. My dad..although part of my guilt. I should have spent more time with him. Does anyone really spend all of the time they should with the ones they love? Should I spend my weekends down home with mom and my nephews and niece? with my sister? running errands? I don't know and I don't know what the answer is. Am I selfish? Is that why I don't have kids of my own? I don't want to take time out of my schedule for anyone else? Am I a terrible person? I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I wish I did. No wonder I get anxiety attacks. I should call my mom on the fact that she's not happy and ask her what I can do. Is she waiting for me to ask? Should I ask? Will she say 'nothing' and be done with it. I don't know.